


Assassins Anonymous: A co-production

by servalansflowers19



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Other, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-20 19:25:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21286925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/servalansflowers19/pseuds/servalansflowers19
Summary: A late night/early morning crack AU byaauditore,Zarkand Serv(servalansflowers19: It was late and I was tired, don’t know what their excuse is)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Assassins Anonymous: A co-production

**Author's Note:**

> Obligatory warning: We're not making fun of alcoholism, we're making fun of drunk Assassins.

**ARNO**

Hi, my name is Arno Dorian and I can’t remember where I stole my last wine barrel.

**ALTAÏR**

Hi, my name is Altaïr and I don’t drink… How did I end up here?

**MALIK ** (from a corner)

You mean you don’t remember it afterwards, dingus.

**RATONHNHAKÉ:TON**   
Hi, I’m Ratonhnhaké - oh why do I bother - Connor, and last time I had a bourbon I stabbed a Templar in the gut.

**COUNSELLOR HAYTHAM ** glares.

  
  


**JACOB**

Hi, I’m Jacob and the last time I had a pint was yesterday.

And I’m still looking for my clothes.

**ADÉWALÉ**   
Hi, I’m Adéwalé and I’m here to support my mate Edward. As in, he can’t stand up by himself.

**EZIO**   
(from a corner, sleepily hugging an empty bottle)

Buongiorno, mi chiamo Ezio. Modenese wine is to die for. 

**Ezio** falls asleep again.

**KASSANDRA**

Hi, my name is Kassandra and that drunk Italian does not know shit. Retsina for the win!

**EZIO **wakes up immediately.

**Ezio ** and  **Kassandra ** glare at each other in Mediterranean.

**AYA**

My name is Aya, and Egyptian beer is best of all time.

**Counsellor Haytham**

I think you’re missing the point of this meetin-

**Haytham ** is interrupted as  **SHAY** throws a pint of Guinness at Aya.

_ One Asterix-style fight later… _

**Haytham**

All right, is that everyone? Can we begin?

**AVELINE** sneaks in through the window to sneakily pass a bottle of Chartreuse to  **EVIE** .

**CLAUDIA** barges in through the door.

**Claudia**

Scusate, sono a ritardo! Modenese wine is to die for.

**Shay**

(under his breath) Retardo is right.

**Ezio**

What did you say about _mia_ _picina_?

**BELLEC**

What did you say about wine, you Irish pisspot?

> _ Another Asterix-style fight later… _

**SHAO JUN**

If we’re done with grapes, I got some  _ báijiǔ  _ right here.

**YUSUF**

Raki for everyone!

**Altaïr ** looks at everyone in disgust and goes back to his hash joint.

**Haytham** cries softly while questioning his career choices

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
